The following viruses have been discovered, Please read them and then sendthem to your system security administrator:

JOHN BOBBIT VIRUS

Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it. (But thatpart will never work again.)

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS

Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then slowly expandsback to 200MB.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS

This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impendinghard disk attack -- once if by LAN, twice if by C/:

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS

Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itselfas an "electronic microorganism."

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS

Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If Youattempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor aboutpossible alternatives.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS

Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damnthing quits.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS

It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

TED TURNER VIRUS

Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS

Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS

Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe jsut cant figyour outwatt!

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS

Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything isfine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS

Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinkingabout it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS

Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of whichdoes practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most importantpart of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS

Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin or error).

TEXAS VIRUS

Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #1

The computer locks up, screens splits erratically with a message appearingon each half blaming the other side for the problem.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2

Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allowthe user to accomplish anything.

AIRLINE VIRUS

You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

AT&T VIRUS

Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS

Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much forthe AT&T virus.

FREUDIAN VIRUS

Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

PBS VIRUS

Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

ELVIS VIRUS

Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self-destructs --only toresurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS

Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

SEARS VIRUS

Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply anda set of shocks.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS

Your programs can never be found again.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS

Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS

Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot-up, then subtracts moneyfrom your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchasesthrough Prodigy.

STAR TREK VIRUS

Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS

Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and sends you a billfor $4,500.

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS

It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs ... no new files!"on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drivewith new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.

NEW YORK JETS VIRUS

Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.

LAPD VIRUS

It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erasesthem in "self-defense."

CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS

Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, butyou still love it.

ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS

Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, itsprogrammer willtake it back.

O.J. VIRUS

It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of yourfiles and vows to find the virus that did it.