- LICENCE TO STEAL
- Two Kentucky men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running
a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead
of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the
bumper off the truck. They panicked and fled, leaving the chain still
attached to the machine, their bumper still attached to the chain, and
their license plate still attached to the bumper.
- IN THE BAG
- A "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at the
customs counter. While making idle chatter, the customs official
thought it odd that the golfer didn't know what a handicap was. The
officer then asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing. He did -
backwards. A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf
bag.
- MADE FOR TV
- Guns For Hire, an Arizona company specializing in staged gunfights for
Western movies, got a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have
her husband shot. She was sentenced to four years in jail.
- DO YOU ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS?
- A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages
rather than serve a two-year prison sentence. For payment, he provided
the court a forged check. He got his prison term back, plus eight more
years.
- YOU MEAN ME?
- A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving
revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner
moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
- DEADHEADS
- A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving
alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in
the mortuary van he was driving should be counted. The judged ruled
that passengers must be alive to qualify.
- THIS WOULD BE ME
- The judge called the case of People vs. Steven Lewon Crook. The
bailiff opened the door to the holding cell and called, "Crook, come
forward." Five of the prisoners entered the courtroom.
- LEARN YOUR LESSON
- When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic
violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench.
"Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this
court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write
'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."
- AHH, THAT'S BETTER!
- A judge in Louisville decided a jury went "a little bit too far" in
recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who was convicted of
five robberies and a kidnapping. The judge reduced the sentence to
1,001 years.
- OOPS! I BLEW THAT ONE!
- A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative
defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and
removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to
see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed
by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I
sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can
accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his
lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the
bench, and walked out.
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