Upon landing hard, the pilot gets on the PA system, "Sorry folks for the hard landing. It wasn't the pilot's fault, and it wasn't the plane's fault. It was the asphalt."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am, what is it?" "Did we land or were we shot down?"

"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with two small children, decide now which you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

United Airlines FA: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of us at United Airlines we'd like to thank you for flying with us today and please be very careful as you open the overhead bins as you may be killed by falling luggage that shifted during our so called "touch down."

About 5 or 6 years ago I was on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day. I could tell during final that the Captain was really having to fight it, and after an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelt fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Overheard by a guy giving rides: "Sorry about the rough landing, but I'm practicing for a job at SAS. Next time I'll try to lose your luggage."

Student pilot to irate instructor: "Think about it. I navigated through a boiling fluid swirling around a rotating sphere that is hurtling around a fusion reaction source at thousands of miles per hour. This system is moving in a circular motion around a black hole at who knows what speed, while the space it takes up is expanding. And I bounced 6 inches. 6 MEASLY INCHES! Get off my freakin back, man!"

• Landing: A controlled mid-air collision with a planet.
  
• Where would we be without our fast movers?????
  
• Q: What is the ideal cockpit crew?
  A: A pilot and a dog. The pilot is there to feed the dog, and the dog is there to bite the pilot in case he tries to touch anything.
• Q: How many fighter pilots does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Just one. He holds the bulb, and the world revolves around him.
• Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
  A: He'll tell you.
• Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
  A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot....
• Q: What is the difference between a fighter pilot and a pig?
  A: The pig doesn't turn into a fighter pilot when it's drunk.
• Q: What do fighter pilots use for birth control?
  A: Their personality.
• Q: What is the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
  A: A jet engine stops whining when it pulls in to the parking spot.
• Q: What is the difference between a FA-18 Fighter and a Hoover Vacuum cleaner?
  A: The dirt bag inside.